LiveJournal for Danyel.

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Monday, June 7th, 2010

(so kiss me hard)

Subject:frack that.
Time:11:17 am.
you know i've sat by the wayside many times in my relationships. i have fought and fought for really shitty relationships. ones that i wasn't happy in. ones that were sucking the life out of me. and now i'm just being pathetic. this is one person that has continuously challenged me to be a better person. one that has made me ask myself what am i doing here and why am i doing the things i'm doing. i smile. i laugh til it hurts. i have slowly let my barriers down. and i say fuck that.

i know she is worried about us not being in the same place right now. i want things that she doesn't right now. and i have had that pressure on her for awhile unfairly. i'm not always a spontaneous person...its a bit outside my bubble.

but i think it may be worth it.

i will fight for this one. it would be stupid not to.


(so kiss me hard)

Time:7:54 am.
is it really out of nowhere. i always start the sentence with that phrase. "and then out of nowhere we started having problems..." only a moron could say that. although i don't quite know where it started. maybe it was the never fighting. maybe it was the insecurity of knowing i can never fully give it all away. and even the little bit i have given makes me feel like i have a 12 lb brick in my stomach.

i know i am intense to date. i guess i just want so much. and sometimes that means too much.

i also think that part of it is this new frontier.

what if we just went backpacking. what if we just ran away to distant countries and said fuck it. and discovered the world together.

i would need someone to take care of the cats.


Tuesday, April 13th, 2010

(1 confessional | so kiss me hard)

Subject:if you want to sing out...sing out!
Time:11:12 pm.
A lot of people enjoy being dead. But they are not dead, really. They're just backing away from life. *Reach* out. Take a *chance*. Get *hurt* even. But play as well as you can. Go team, go! Give me an L. Give me an I. Give me a V. Give me an E. L-I-V-E. LIVE! Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room.

Monday, September 7th, 2009

(so kiss me hard)

Subject:the road easily travelled.
Time:1:15 pm.
Mood: calm.
this girl is an interesting one. we never fight. we never argue. at least not about anything important. its so easy for once for me to be myself. i don't feel like i have to impress her but that almost makes me more worried about the whole thing. its not that i'm getting comfortable. quite the opposite. its easier for me to get comfortable in a role. in a play. being myself isn't something i'm used to doing. being happy is a strange little thing as well.

this has been such a weird few months. i've been so incredibly cautious though. i really tried to completely open up with isa. i told her things that i've never told anyone else. the things i'm most scared of or ashamed of. we still have a connection. i can still pretty easily cry in front of her. i can still be comforted by her when i'm upset. we actually had a really normal no tension conversation the other night. it was amazing. to be able to still have that friend that i once had in a lover without the tension of sex. she didn't cross any boundaries or lines at any one moment. she didn't talk down to me. she just listened and asked questions. she just cared. it was really nice. in the past these moments don't last long. but i think she finally has realized that i've moved on. whether or not she has isn't the point anymore. i have. something that has never happened to her. and maybe she's actually growing from this. and has realized that if she wants me in her life, she has got to act differently. a friendship is still better than nothing at all. and so now i have officially been able to stay friends with all my ex-girlfriends. which is a pretty satisfying thing.

katie shipped out to my old stomping grounds. to the base my brother was born at. kirsten is now a man named elijah. stef is still crazy but is happy in love with some new man. jen lives in florida with her girlfriend and teaches biology. and the rest won't be named since it was high school and they aren't with women presently. and at least one is married. but all still friends.

good. because i'm trying to keep attendance at my funeral to those who will miss me...not those making sure i'm dead.


Saturday, August 8th, 2009

(so kiss me hard)

Subject:you have something on your chin...
Time:11:40 pm.
Mood: blah.
santa cruz is a strange place. i've met some of the most random types of people while living here. while standing in line with a friend at the downtown taco bell for 45 minutes so she could get her friends food there was a young guy behind us that kept saying "faggot". after the fourth or fifth time of him saying it i finally turned around and yelled at him to stop using that word! it offends me. but there are a million other words that i just want to yell at the top of my lungs to stop using.

i understand that communication gives way to our language being a living entity. i understand that we add newness to our lexicon every day. i've made it a point to make fun of all of these seemingly unintelligent people i'm constantly finding myself around by using phrases like, btw and jk and omg. because as silly as that all sounds (i use quite the tone) i don't think i sound as ridiculous as when these people say, hella. its the one horse that should die.

i hate what our youth has done to the queen's language.

in other news.

i'm in love.

yet again. strangely i think this one might last. but why don't i stick to things i know more about.

omg..i almost forgot.
she is hella cute.

that's stupid.
but she is cute btw.


Saturday, January 10th, 2009

(so kiss me hard)

Subject:i'm gonna be there for you...
Time:9:45 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
i quit my job. going back to gap. going back to school in the fall. long time coming. finally found a fire to light under my ass. going to do some travelling this summer since this is going to be it for awhile.

getting ready to go out. supposed to go to a birthday party...not really in the mood for that vibe right now...we'll see.

if you are interested in checking out some good music...

brandi sexy talented girl.


Friday, July 11th, 2008

(so kiss me hard)

Time:1:50 am.
i work too much. i play too little. i want too much. i deserve too little. i am surprised by my life and actions everyday.

i wish i could sleep.

things are tough right now.

Friday, July 4th, 2008

(so kiss me hard)

Subject:we won the war.
Time:11:54 pm.
i guess i need to paint. my new landlord took like $200 off my first month for me to paint my new place. i've hesitated putting anything on the walls until such time. when i get such time. b/c i have so much time.

went and saw wanted last night. good movie. i was pleasantly surprised. since i saw hancock and that was stupid.

this is boring.

check out damien jurado.

good stuff.

how come on only post on here when i'm miserable.


(so kiss me hard)

Subject:that saved a wretch like me...
Time:9:31 pm.
"Memory can change the shape of a room; it can change the color of a car. And memories can be distorted. They're just an interpretation, they're not a record, and they're irrelevant if you have the facts."

(so kiss me hard)

Subject:happy 4th.
Time:2:08 am.
still haven't smoked.

not easy at all.

i've spent longer not smoking than i have staying out of touch with isa.

why is smoking easier to quit.

neither is healthy for me right now.

in fact...i think the latter is killing me much faster.


(so kiss me hard)

Subject:The case for an Obama-Clinton ticket, also known as, you got any better ideas?
Time:2:05 am.
As anyone who follows Democratic politics closely knows, the idea of an Obama-Clinton "unity" or "dream" ticket has been confidently buried by a host of pundits, usually citing sources in the Obama campaign. And so long as the unity ticket was perceived as a demand from Sen. Clinton or her camp, as a tribute to her candidacy, her following, her husband's legacy, or even her gender, it made perfect sense for Team Obama to throw cold water on the concept.
But now Clinton has folded her campaign and endorsed Obama in terms that satisfied all but the most bitter-end Hillary-haters, and Obama has signaled that he's going to take his time in determining a running mate (a leisurely pace now ensured by the need to vet a new vetter after Jim Johnson's implosion). That means he can, if he wishes, take a good, long look at the unity ticket in the real-life context of his available options. If he does, it may start looking a lot better.

The positive case for the unity ticket is pretty simple. With the political landscape (from issues, to partisan ID trends, to voter motivation) favoring Democrats in November, a united party will almost certainly win. And at present, the divisions in the party aren't about ideology, or policy, or even how to conduct the general election. They are largely feudal, in the sense that they have emerged from the passionate personal attachment of activists and voters to these two powerful and historic chieftains. Merging their candidacies for the general election is the obvious way to address the problem, and thus the unity ticket ought to be treated as having a rebuttable presumption of sensibility.

It is an idea that is far more popular with rank-and-file Democrats than with the chattering classes. Polls show that a consistent majority of the self-identified Democrats -- and big majorities of those who voted for Clinton in the primaries -- favor putting her on the ticket. In the few days between Obama's victory speech and Clinton's concession, there were rumblings of an organized effort in Congress (and hence among superdelegates) to endorse the unity ticket, but Clinton's instructions to supporters to refrain from pressuring Obama drove such talk underground.

I don't think there's much doubt that Clinton's supers and donors would be very pleased to see her at least asked to go on the ticket. There is also abundant, alarming evidence that a significant share of Clinton primary voters are currently peeved enough to stay home in November or vote for John McCain. Will many of these voters "get over it" and get with the program absent a pro-Clinton gesture? Almost certainly. But does that justify dismissing the whole problem as something that will take care of itself? Not if you care about winning what may be a close election.

Aside from the salutary impact on intra-party divisions, the unity ticket would benefit from Hillary Clinton's specific political strengths. No, I'm not talking about her impressive primary performance among Catholics, non-college-educated voters, and the "white working class" generally, since we don't really know how much of that success is transferable to a general election. But no one can rationally deny that Clinton has a strong, demonstrated, personal appeal to at least two major categories of voters who will be targeted by the GOP: older women and Hispanics.

Those who dislike the unity ticket concept (often people who just don't like Hillary Clinton and/or her husband) sometimes concede the above points, but respond that her negative "baggage" far outweighs any advantages she would bring to Obama. Let's go through a few of their arguments.

First, you often hear that Bill and Hillary could not possibly serve as obedient foot soldiers (or, more accurately, senior officers) in the Obama campaign or administration. If true, this would indeed be a disqualifier. But how, really, do any of us know that? For all the power they've enjoyed, Sen. Clinton and her husband have had to accept about as much humiliation and frustration as any two politicians you could imagine. Obama would definitely and rightly demand complete authority in his administration, and if the Clintons can't live with that, it's unlikely they'd sign on in any event. Just as important, this is a difficult threshold issue for many of the people you hear "mentioned" for the vice-presidency. Hillary Clinton is hardly the only one with a "difficult" personality, a "loose cannon" spouse, a fawning retinue of loyalists, or a habit of seeing the next president of the United States in the mirror each morning. Sure, some Obama supporters think that the Clintons are outsize villains, pathologically devoted to themselves and nothing else. But by Washington standards, where every member of Congress is a Sun King in his or her own realm, the Clintons really don't stand out as especially self-focused.

Second of all, we are often told that Clinton as running mate would undermine Obama's message of "change," either because of her last name and past notoriety, or her vote for the Iraq war resolution, or her symbolic role in the Washington Democratic establishment. Aside from the dubious nature of the claim that many voters are particularly interested in Obama's specific "theory of change," there's the fact that most Democratic voters, and a good majority of independents and some Republicans, look back fondly at the Clinton administration, and have never really bought into the idea (occasionally expressed by Obama) that the corruption and incompetence of Washington is as attributable to Democrats as to the GOP. Moreover, is Hillary Clinton really more identified with the Washington establishment than, say, Tom Daschle, Joe Biden, Chris Dodd or, for that matter, Al Gore (all of whose names have been floated for the veepship)?

As for HRC's war vote, it's important to acknowledge that the Democratic Party (and not just electeds or elites, but actual voters) is a coalition of people who supported and opposed the Iraq war, but are now largely united in favoring what Obama calls a "responsible withdrawal." (Quite a few of the alternatives to Clinton being discussed voted for the war resolution as well.) If Barack Obama can't manage to distinguish himself clearly from John McCain on this subject without a "right from the start" antiwar running mate, then he's in deep political trouble.

Finally, opponents of the unity ticket argue that Clinton on the ticket will "energize" Hillary-hating conservative activists who have been relatively cool to McCain. (Talk about letting the enemy control the battlefield!) I personally have no doubt that the McCain campaign will inevitably become a low-road enterprise that, if nothing else, will energize conservatives, and its arguments against Obama are already heavily slanted toward "character" attacks. They'll get the haters no matter what, but the haters only get to vote once.

And that brings us to what is perhaps the strongest pro-Hillary argument. Let's do something that Clintonphobes often forget to do: compare her to realistic alternatives. Obama doesn't have any obvious alternative option that will please everyone, much less provide the political payoff of an Obama-Clinton ticket. To cite just one problem, Obama will be under intense pressure to name a woman as a running mate, and under equally intense pressure not to do so, since anyone other than Hillary Clinton will be perceived as representing a "pander." But who would that other woman be? Kathleen Sebelius has no international experience. Janet Napolitano doesn't either, and she would face innuendoes about her marital status. Claire McCaskill has a shorter résumé than Obama's.

While there are plenty of qualified Democrats -- and even Republicans -- available to Obama, none is without handicaps, risks or shortcomings. Edwards and Strickland have taken themselves out of the running. Many feminists consider Jim Webb unacceptable, and many gays and lesbians feel the same way about Sam Nunn. Mark Warner's running for the Senate. Daschle's been a lobbyist. Biden's been a Washington fixture for 36 years, and supported the war resolution. Like Sebelius, Daschle, Nunn, Evan Bayh and Brian Schweitzer are from states no Democrat is likely to carry. Bayh or Dodd would immediately lose Democrats a Senate seat. Sherrod Brown's not a very unifying figure. And Al Gore excepted, none of those mentioned have been endorsed by 17 million-some-odd primary voters.

I could go on, but you get the idea: There ain't no easy running mate. Those who are so quick to dismiss the unity ticket have an obligation to come up not just with a better idea, but a better idea that can command broad support in the party. It's obviously Barack Obama's choice, and his choice alone, but he should remember that this is one year when a united Democratic Party will have an overwhelming advantage in the general election. That's a change we can believe in.

Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008

(so kiss me hard)

Subject:if you just sit in the dark...
Time:1:58 pm.
Mood: sad.
will the light find you inside.

i am on day 2 of not smoking. so far not bad. i'm using the gum to quit. i'm using the motivation that there are way more women out there that like a non-smoker than a smoker.

went to sf pride this weekend for the first time as a single lady. it was not what i wanted or needed but i think that was the company i was with...

i've been going to therapy every wednesday for like 3 months now. its good. i guess. it means i have to actually deal with my shit.

isa and i went on a "date" last night. not really. but she asked if i'd take her out to dinner...then ice cream..then we went to see hancock.

i really can't stand being her friend. it just kills me. my therapist hates it. i hate it. my friends just think i'm crazy. no one feels sorry for you when you put yourself in the situation.

why does everyone think i'm stronger than what i am. have we learned nothing about me in the last 8 years. i'm a weak. weak. sorry person.

fall in love.
fall on face.


(so kiss me hard)

Time:12:56 am.
i remember when i first got here. to california. i was something new. someone new. only heard and talked about. mythical. i think i lived up to that for a second. depending on what it was you were hearing. depending on what you were saying. time changes a lot of things. it is said that time heals all wounds but i don't really believe that. i think taking the time to heal helps heal all wounds. if you just spend the time hurting you won't heal. it is so hard to accept that. it is so much easier to just hurt. hurting doesn't take any effort. it just takes away your life.

i decided to return to this journal b/c i really don't think anyone ever uses this anymore. and this is where i started in california. since all is lost from b.c.

today is day one. i am quitting smoking. i am going to get back into shape. my body. my soul. my brain. my heart. its going to hurt. its going to suck. there will be a lot of crying and a lot of pain but in the end. i will be a better person. i want to be a better person.

i want her to think i'm a better person.

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008

(so kiss me hard)

Time:9:04 pm.
i post then go to my friends page and see's word of the day....

forlorn: sad and lonely because deserted, abandoned, or lost.

fuck off.


(1 confessional | so kiss me hard)

Time:8:54 pm.
i am at a loss for words. they are in there. deep inside. but to reach for them is a struggle. not because i can't see them. but because i know they will burn when i touch them. i act all surprised. i'm not. i'm just tired. i'm sick of people telling me how amazing they think i am but never being good enough for them.

i'm so annoyed with the same conversation. i can't be your friend. you can be friends with your exes. great. i can't. barely. kirsten is a different person now and although i have all those memories from that relationship that person doesn't exist anymore. elijah and i are friends but its still different. i haven't talked to jen in 8 years. stef i only talk to in a blue moon and there was a kid involved in that one. so. yeah. you lose your best friend. and you will deal with it just fine. you will fall in love with someone else. and they can or cannot be your best friend. and you or will not realize that i was the best thing that ever happened to you. and i will or will not move on. but in the end. we will not be friends.

i know i got what i needed. i got what i deserved. that doesn't have to be considered a bad thing.

it just hurts.


Wednesday, March 19th, 2008

(so kiss me hard)

Subject:i walk home alone with you.
Time:12:16 am.
so a couple of days before i went to texas isa and i broke up. for some reason this is not supposed to be surprising to me. it is. i'm looking for a new place to live, starting therapy tomorrow, and overall just trying to be the best little danyel i know how to be.

anyway. i'm looking for fun things to do. with fun people. to get my mind in a fun space. so if you're around. let me know.


Monday, March 17th, 2008

(so kiss me hard)

Subject:patty the saint's day
Time:5:55 pm.
work is work is work. i may...and i use that word with more of a meaning of "most likely will not" get the head of store position shortly. i am keeping my fingers crossed and think that i am more than qualified and capable but it doesn't really matter what i think.

i am more likely than not going to pennsylvania in about a month. I will be there for 5 days and if you live in the Philly area and would be nice enough to put me up for those days i would greatly appreciate it. i will be working so the socializing thing won't be too abundant but i am looking to spend the least amount of money possible since texas cost me about $900. and isa and are broken up now and i need to find a new place to live. i would go into details about that but i really have nothing to say. its been about 2 weeks or so. right before i went to texas and i've been through enough of them to know how to deal, what to expect, and move on.

callous i know but i don't have the time or energy for the emotion right now.

love to all,

Tuesday, February 19th, 2008

(1 confessional | so kiss me hard)

Time:8:19 pm.
February 20, 2008
The Obama Delusion
By Robert Samuelson

WASHINGTON -- It's hard not to be dazzled by Barack Obama. At the 2004 Democratic convention, he visited with Newsweek reporters and editors, including me. I came away deeply impressed by his intelligence, his forceful language and his apparent willingness to take positions that seemed to rise above narrow partisanship. Obama has become the Democratic presidential front-runner, precisely because countless millions have formed a similar opinion. It is, I now think, mistaken.

As a journalist, I harbor serious doubt about each of the likely nominees. But with Sens. Hillary Clinton and John McCain, I feel that I'm dealing with known quantities. They've been in the public arena for years; their views, values and temperaments have received enormous scrutiny. By contrast, newcomer Obama is largely a stage presence defined mostly by his powerful rhetoric. The trouble, at least for me, is the huge and deceptive gap between his captivating oratory and his actual views.

The subtext of Obama's campaign is that his own life narrative -- to become the first African-American president, a huge milestone in the nation's journey from slavery -- can serve as a metaphor for other political stalemates. Great impasses can be broken with sufficient good will, intelligence and energy. "It's not about rich versus poor; young versus old; and it is not about black versus white," he says. Along with millions of others, I find this a powerful appeal.

But on inspection, the metaphor is a mirage. Repudiating racism is not a magic cure-all for the nation's ills. It requires independent ideas, and Obama has few. If you examine his agenda, it is completely ordinary, highly partisan, not candid and mostly unresponsive to many pressing national problems.

By Obama's own moral standards, Obama fails. Americans "are tired of hearing promises made and 10-point plans proposed in the heat of a campaign only to have nothing change," he recently said. Shortly thereafter, he outlined an economic plan of at least 12 points that, among other things, would:

-- Provide a $1,000 tax cut for most two-earner families ($500 for singles).

-- Create a $4,000 refundable tuition tax credit for every year of college.

-- Expand the child care tax credit for people earning less than $50,000 and "double spending on quality after-school programs."

-- Enact an "energy plan" that would invest $150 billion in 10 years to create a "green energy sector."

Whatever one thinks of these ideas, they're standard goodie-bag politics: something for everyone. They're so similar to many Clinton proposals that her campaign put out a news release accusing him of plagiarizing. With existing budget deficits and the costs of Obama's "universal health plan," the odds of enacting his full package are slim.

A favorite Obama line is that he will tell "the American people not just what they want to hear, but what we need to know." Well, he hasn't so far.

Consider the retiring baby boomers. A truth-telling Obama might say: "Spending for retirees -- mainly Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid -- is already nearly half the federal budget. Unless we curb these rising costs, we will crush our children with higher taxes. Reflecting longer life expectancies, we should gradually raise the eligibility ages for these programs and trim benefits for wealthier retirees. Both Democrats and Republicans are to blame for inaction. Waiting longer will only worsen the problem."

Instead, Obama pledges not to raise the retirement age and to "protect Social Security benefits for current and future beneficiaries." This isn't "change"; it's sanctification of the status quo. He would also exempt all retirees making less than $50,000 annually from income tax. By his math, that would provide average tax relief of $1,400 to 7 million retirees -- shifting more of the tax burden onto younger workers. Obama's main proposal for Social Security is to raise the payroll tax beyond the present $102,000 ceiling.

Political candidates routinely indulge in exaggeration, pandering, inconsistency and self-serving obscurity. Clinton and McCain do. The reason for holding Obama to a higher standard is that it's his standard and also his campaign's central theme. He has run on the vague promise of "change," but on issue after issue -- immigration, the economy, global warming -- he has offered boilerplate policies that evade the underlying causes of the stalemates. These issues remain contentious because they involve real conflicts or differences of opinion.

The contrast between his broad rhetoric and his narrow agenda is stark, and yet the press corps -- preoccupied with the political "horse race" -- has treated his invocation of "change" as a serious idea rather than a shallow campaign slogan. He seems to have hypnotized much of the media and the public with his eloquence and the symbolism of his life story. The result is a mass delusion that Obama is forthrightly engaging the nation's major problems when, so far, he isn't.

Thursday, February 7th, 2008

(so kiss me hard)

Subject:please read.
Time:10:23 pm.
GOODBYE TO ALL THAT: Part II Feb.2, 2008

By Robin Morgan

During my decades in civil-rights, anti-war, and contemporary women's movements, I've avoided writing another specific "Goodbye . . .". But not since the suffrage struggle have two communities--joint conscience-keepers of this country--been so set in competition, as the contest between Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) and Barack Obama (BO) unfurls. So. ….
Goodbye to the double standard . .

--Hillary is too ballsy but too womanly, a Snow Maiden who's emotional, and so much a politician as to be unfit for politics.

--She's "ambitious" but he shows "fire in the belly." (Ever had labor pains? )

--When a sexist idiot screamed "Iron my shirt!" at HRC, it was considered amusing; if a racist idiot shouted "Shine my shoes!" at BO, it would've inspired hours of airtime and pages of newsprint analyzing our national

--Young political Kennedys--Kathleen, Kerry, and Bobby Jr.--all endorsed Hillary. Sen Ted, age 76, endorsed Obama. If the situation were reversed, pundits would snort "See? Ted and establishment types back her, but the forward-looking generation backs him." (Personally, I'm unimpressed with Caroline's longing for the Return of the Fathers. Unlike the rest of the world, Americans have short memories. Me, I still recall Marilyn Monroe's suicide, and a dead girl named Mary Jo Kopechne in Chappaquiddick.)

Goodbye to the toxic viciousness . . .

Carl Bernstein's disgust at Hillary's "thick ankles."

Nixon-trickster Roger Stone's new Hillary-hating 527 group, "Citizens United Not Timid" (check the capital letters).

John McCain answering "How do we beat the bitch?" with "Excellent question!" Would he have dared reply similarly to "How do we beat the black bastard?" For shame.

Goodbye to the HRC nutcracker with metal spikes between splayed thighs. If it was a tap-dancing blackface doll, we would be righteously outraged-and they would not be selling it in airports. Shame.

Goodbye to the most intimately violent T-shirts in election history, including one with the murderous slogan "If Only Hillary had married O.J. Instead!" Shame.

Goodbye to Comedy Central's "South Park" featuring a storyline in which
terrorists secrete a bomb in HRC's vagina. I refuse to wrench my brain down
into the gutter far enough to find a race-based comparison. For shame.

Goodbye to the sick, malicious idea that this is funny. This is not" Clinton hating," not "Hillary hating." This is sociopathic woman-hating. If it were about Jews, we would recognize it instantly as anti-Semitic propaganda; if about race, as KKK poison. Hell, PETA would go ballistic if such vomitous spew were directed at animals. Where is our sense of outrage-as citizens, voters, Americans?

Goodbye to the news-coverage target-practice . . .

The women's movement and Media Matters wrung an apology from MSNBC's Chris Matthews for relentless misogynistic comments ( But what about NBC's Tim Russert's continual sexist asides and his all-white-male panels pontificating on race and gender? Or CNN's Tony Harris chuckling at "the chromosome thing" while interviewing a woman from The White House Project? And that's not even mentioning Fox News.

Goodbye to pretending the black community is entirely male and all women are white . . .Surprise! Women exist in all opinions, pigmentations, ethnicities, abilities, sexual preferences, and ages--not only African American and European American but Latina and Native American, Asian American and Pacific Islanders, Arab American and-hey, every group, because a group wouldn't exist if we hadn't given birth to it. A few non-racist countries may exist--but sexism is everywhere. No matter how many ways a woman breaks free from other discriminations, she remains a female human being in a world still so patriarchal that it's the "norm."

So why should all women not be as justly proud of our womanhood and the centuries, even millennia, of struggle that got us this far, as black Americans, women and men, are justly proud of their struggles?

Goodbye to a campaign where he has to pass as white (which whites-especially wealthy ones--adore), while she has to pass as male (which both men and women demanded of her, and then found unforgivable). If she
were black or he were female we wouldn't be having such problems, and I for one would be in heaven. But at present such a candidate wouldn't stand a chance-even if she shared Condi Rice's Bush-defending politics.

I was celebrating the pivotal power at last focused on African American women deciding on which of two candidates to bestow their vote--until a number of Hillary-supporting black feminists told me they're being called "race traitors."

So goodbye to conversations about this nation's deepest scar-slavery-which fail to acknowledge that labor- and sexual-slavery exist today in the US and elsewhere on this planet, and the majority of those enslaved are women.

Women have endured sex/race/ethnic/religious hatred, rape and battery, invasion of spirit and flesh, forced pregnancy; being the majority of the poor, the illiterate, the disabled, of refugees, caregivers, the HIV/AIDS afflicted, the powerless. We have survived invisibility, ridicule, religious fundamentalisms, polygamy, teargas, forced feedings, jails, asylums, sati, purdah, female genital mutilation, witch burnings, stonings, and attempted gynocides. We have tried reason, persuasion, reassurances, and being extra-qualified, only to learn it never was about qualifications after all. We know that at this historical moment women experience the world differently from men--though not all the same as one another--and can govern differently, from Elizabeth Tudor to Michele Bachelet and Ellen Johnson Sirleaf.

We remember when Shirley Chisholm and Patricia Schroeder ran for this high office and barely got past the gate-they showed too much passion, raised too little cash, were joke fodder. Goodbye to all that. (And goodbye to some feminists so famished for a female president they were even willing to abandon women's rights in backing Elizabeth Dole.)

Goodbye, goodbye to . . .

--blaming anything Bill Clinton does on Hillary (even including his womanizing like the Kennedy guys--though unlike them, he got reported on). Let's get real. If he hadn't campaigned strongly for her everyone would cluck over what that meant. Enough of Bill and Teddy Kennedy locking their alpha male horns while Hillary pays for it.

--an era when parts of the populace feel so disaffected by politics that a comparative lack of knowledge, experience, and skill is actually seen as attractive, when celebrity-culture mania now infects our elections so that it's "cooler" to glow with marquee charisma than to understand the vast global complexities of power on a nuclear, wounded planet.

--the notion that it's fun to elect a handsome, cocky president who feels he can learn on the job, goodbye to George W. Bush and the destruction brought by his inexperience, ignorance, and arrogance.

Goodbye to the accusation that HRC acts "entitled" when she's worked intensely at everything she's done-including being a nose-to-the-grindstone, first-rate senator from my state.

Goodbye to her being exploited as a Rorschach test by women who reduce her to a blank screen on which they project their own fears, failures, fantasies.

Goodbye to the phrase "polarizing figure" to describe someone who embodies the transitions women have made in the last century and are poised to make in this one. It was the women's movement that quipped, "We are becoming the men we wanted to marry." She heard us, and she has.

Goodbye to some women letting history pass by while wringing their hands, because Hillary isn't as "likeable" as they've been warned they must be, or because she didn't leave him, couldn't "control" him, kept her family together and raised a smart, sane daughter. (Think of the blame if Chelsea had ever acted in the alcoholic, neurotic manner of the Bush twins!) Goodbye to some women pouting because she didn't bake cookies or she did, sniping because she learned the rules and then bent or broke them. Grow the hell up. She is not running for Ms.-perfect-pure-queen-icon of the feminist movement. She's running to be President of the United States.

Goodbye to the shocking American ignorance of our own and other countries' history. Margaret Thatcher and Golda Meir rose through party ranks and war, positioning themselves as proto-male leaders. Almost all other female heads of government so far have been related to men of power-granddaughters, daughters, sisters, wives, widows: Gandhi, Bandaranike, Bhutto, Aquino, Chamorro, Wazed, Macapagal-Arroyo, Johnson Sirleaf, Bachelet, Kirchner, and more. Even in our "land of opportunity," it's mostly the first pathway "in" permitted to women: Reps. Doris Matsui and Mary Bono and Sala Burton; Sen. Jean Carnahan . . . far too many to list here.

Goodbye to a misrepresented generational divide . . .Goodbye to the so-called spontaneous "Obama Girl" flaunting her bikini-clad ass online-then confessing Oh yeah it wasn't her idea after all, some guys got her to do it and dictated the clothes, which she said "made me feel like a dork."

Goodbye to some young women eager to win male approval by showing they're not feminists (at least not the kind who actually threaten the status quo), who can't identify with a woman candidate because she actually is unafraid of eeueweeeu yucky power, who fear their boyfriends might look at them funny if they say something good about her.

Goodbye to women of any age again feeling unworthy, sulking "what if she's not electable?" or "maybe it's post-feminism and whoooosh we're already free." Let a statement by the magnificent Harriet Tubman stand as reply. When asked how she managed to save hundreds of enslaved African Americans via the Underground Railroad during the Civil War, she replied bitterly, "I could have saved thousands-if only I'd been able to convince them they were slaves."

I'd rather say a joyful Hello to all the glorious young women who do identify with Hillary, and all the brave, smart men-of all ethnicities and any age--who get that it's in their self-interest, too. She's better qualified. (D'uh.) She's a high-profile candidate with an enormous grasp of foreign- and domestic-policy nuance, dedication to detail, ability to absorb staggering insult and personal pain while retaining dignity, resolve, even
humor, and keep on keeping on. (Also, yes, dammit, let's hear it for her connections and funding and party-building background, too. Obama was awfully glad about those when she raised dough and campaigned for him to get to the Senate in the first place.)

I'd rather look forward to what a good president he might make in eight years, when his vision and spirit are seasoned by practical know-how—and he'll be all of 54. Meanwhile, goodbye to turning him into a shining knight when actually he's an astute, smooth pol with speechwriters who've worked with the Kennedys' own speechwriter-courtier Ted Sorenson. If it's only about ringing rhetoric, let speechwriters run. But isn't it about getting the policies we want enacted?

And goodbye to the ageism . .How dare anyone unilaterally decide when to turn the page on history, papering over real inequities and suffering constituencies in the promise of a feel-good campaign. How dare anyone claim to unify while dividing, or think that to rouse US youth from torpor it's useful to triage the single largest demographic in this country's history: the boomer generation—the majority of which is female?

Old women are the one group that doesn't grow more conservative with age-and we are the generation of radicals who said "Well-behaved women seldom make history." Goodbye to going gently into any goodnight any man prescribes for us. We are the women who changed the reality of the United States. And though we never went away, brace yourselves: we're back!

We are the women who brought this country equal credit, better pay, affirmative action, the concept of a family-focused workplace; the women who established rape-crisis centers and battery shelters, marital-rape and date-rape laws; the women who defended lesbian custody rights, who fought for prison reform, founded the peace and environmental movements; who insisted that medical research include female anatomy, who inspired men to become more nurturing parents, who created women's studies and Title IX so we all could cheer the WNBA stars and Mia Hamm. We are the women who reclaimed sexuality from violent pornography, who put child care on the national agenda, who transformed demographics, artistic expression, language itself. We are the women who forged a worldwide movement. We are the proud successors of women who, though it took more than 50 years, won us the vote.

We are the women who now comprise the majority of US voters.

Hillary said she found her own voice in New Hampshire. There's not a woman alive who, if she's honest, doesn't recognize what she means. Then HRC got drowned out by campaign experts, Bill, and media's obsession with everything Bill.

So listen to her voice:

"For too long, the history of women has been a history of silence. Even today, there are those who are trying to silence our words.

"It is a violation of human rights when babies are denied food, or drowned, or suffocated, or their spines broken, simply because they are born girls. It is a violation of human rights when woman and girls are sold into the slavery of prostitution. It is a violation of human rights when women are doused with gasoline, set on fire and burned to death because their marriage dowries are deemed too small. It is a violation of human rights when individual women are raped in their own communities and when thousands of women are subjected to rape as a tactic or prize of war. It is a violation of human rights when a leading cause of death worldwide along women ages 14 to 44 is the violence they are subjected to in their own homes. It is a violation of human rights when women are denied the right to plan their own families, and that includes being forced to have abortions or being sterilized against their will.

"Women's rights are human rights. Among those rights are the right to speak freely--and the right to be heard."

That was Hillary Rodham Clinton defying the US State Department and the Chinese Government at the 1995 UN World Conference on Women in Beijing (the full, stunning speech:

And this voice, age 22, in "Commencement Remarks of Hillary D. Rodham, President of Wellesley College Government Association, Class of 1969" (full speech:

"We are, all of us, exploring a world none of us understands. . . .searching for a more immediate, ecstatic, and penetrating mode of living. .. . [for the] integrity, the courage to be whole, living in relation to one another in the full poetry of existence. The struggle for an integrated life existing in an atmosphere of communal trust and respect is one with desperately important political and social consequences. . . . Fear is always with us, but we just don't have time for it."

She ended with the commitment "to practice, with all the skill of our being: the art of making possible."

And for decades, she's been learning how.

So goodbye to Hillary's second-guessing herself. The real question is deeper than her re-finding her voice. Can we women find ours? Can we do this for ourselves?

"Our President, Ourselves!"

Time is short and the contest tightening. We need to rise in furious energy--as we did when Anita Hill was so vilely treated in the US Senate, as we did when Rosie Jiminez was butchered by an illegal abortion, as we did
and do for women globally who are condemned for trying to break through. We need to win, this time. Goodbye to supporting HRC tepidly, with ambivalent caveats and apologetic smiles. Time to volunteer, make phone calls, send emails, donate money, argue, rally, march, shout, vote.

Me? I support Hillary Rodham because she's the best qualified of all candidates running in both parties. I support her because she's refreshingly thoughtful, and I'm bloodied from eight years of a jolly "uniter" with ejaculatory politics. I needn't agree with her on every point. I agree with the 97 percent of her positions that are identical with Obama's-and the few where hers are both more practical and to the left of his (like health care). I support her because she's already smashed the first-lady stereotype and made history as a fine senator, because I believe she will continue to make history not only as the first US woman president, but as a great US president.

As for the "woman thing"?

Me, I'm voting for Hillary not because she's a woman--but because I am.

Tuesday, December 11th, 2007

(so kiss me hard)

Subject:tuesday; a day off.
Time:5:30 pm.
Mood: good.
i started weight watchers with two of my other managers and isa on sunday. i'm not particulary overweight but i get fully reimbursed from my work. i weigh 154.6 as of sunday. my goal is to get back down to 130. i think that is when i was healthiest..while still looking healthy. i went to the gym yesterday. i went for a walk on west cliff today. by body is sore...but in a good way.

i had a freak out last entry. i'm a drama queen. its really not that big of a deal.

i made a mix cd today for christmas for isa. the only problem is the cds i have right now are too small. or the playlist is too big however you want to look at it.

i'll keep you posted on the weight loss and overall looking sexy again business.


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